Earlier this week, the world lost a great man. A comedic genius. Early reports are that Robin Williams took his own life. It's hard enough to lose someone to natural causes or in an accident. But when you lose someone to suicide, it hurts in a whole different way. Robin Williams suffered from severe depression and ultimately made the decision that living just wasn't worth it any more.
I can relate. I suffer from depression. At this point in my life, I am ok. I have more happy than sad days and sometimes that's all you can ask for. But I've been there. Those deep dark places where you just can't see the light. When the disease just keeps telling you over and over that death would be SO much easier. And you start to believe it. Because when one bad day has turned into two bad days, which turns into a bad week and then a bad month and all of a sudden you can't remember the last time you had a good day, it's just so hard. Because depression is real. Just as any physical illness is real, depression is real. And it's scary. Very scary.
I was lucky when I was 14 to meet the right people at the right time and find a way to turn bad days into good days. It took a lot of work. A lot of therapy. A lot of soul searching. And lot of getting real with myself. And it was good for a while. One good day turned into two good days which turned into a good week/month/year.
But depression doesn't just go away. Early in my college career, bad days starting finding a way to mix into the good days. One bad day followed every15 or 20 good ones. Then one bad day every 10 or 12, then every 5 or 6, then every couple of days. And then the bad days started outnumbering the good again. It was scary. I tried ignoring it. I tried throwing myself into school and work and all the extracurriculars I could find. But soon I was slipping back into that deep dark place and starting to hear all of those bad things the disease wanted me to hear. But I had been down that road before. I knew how bad it could get. I knew that that was never a feeling I wanted to feel again. And I asked for help and got it. And eventually the good days started out weighting the bad again. But it took work and it took the support of those around me.
And I know that even after you've beaten depression numerous times, it doesn't go away. I know that I will have depression every day for the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean I have to let it win. Every day I have to make a conscious decision to have a good day. And sometimes that's enough to keep me going. And sometimes it doesn't. Somedays the depression wins and I have a bad day and can't make my way out of my bed. Sometimes it's two bad days in a row. But every day I wake up and consciously decide to have a good day. And for now, that's working.
So what does this have to do with weight loss? Seemingly nothing. But stay with me here.
I've been struggling recently with weight loss. If we're being real, I've been struggling with my weight my whole life. I don't know if there has ever been a time when I've been a "normal" weight. Last year I lost about 40 lbs in about 5 months. And then I stopped. I kept working out but I stopped paying attention to what I was eating. There was more Chinese food. And lattes. And candy bars. I managed to maintain the loss. When I moved to Memphis I put back on about 10lbs. And I've been playing with that 10lbs for the last year.
The last 5 or 6 days, I've fallen back into my old ways. Too many snacks. And candy bars. And soda. And just generally eating unhealthy. And I'm pissed. I want to lose this weight badly. And yet I'm sabotaging myself.
It wasn't until right before I started writing this post that I put it together. I'm a fat (I use this in the most respectful way possible) girl. I've always been a fat girl and I'll always be a fat girl. Maybe not physically, but I will be mentally. I've been down this "off the wagon" road before. It's one bad day and then two and then a bad week and a bad month. So let's stop the pattern. I know how to do this. I need to start making a conscious decision each day to be healthy. A conscious decision to treat my body like it deserves to be treated. Just like I make a conscious decision every day to be happy.
So today I'm choosing to be happy and healthy. Today. Tomorrow can wait for tomorrow.
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